A New Chapter Has Begun

It was a year ago today that I sat in my bed thinking about what the next year could look like. I had just turned 39. I thought about what I wanted out of the next year before the big 40, which I might add was something I was completely dreading. I wanted to make changes and do so many things. I wanted to live up to my potential and inspire others, so I created this blog. I came up with the name because most people view caterpillars as something small and fuzzy and maybe a little gross - but what happens to a caterpillar after the metamorphosis is that they become a beautiful butterfly, graceful and delicate and full of life. I wanted to become a beautiful butterfly before my 40th birthday.

Reality had other plans. Shortly after my birthday my husband and I realized that our marriage was crumbling right before our eyes. We both had allowed our marriage to become sick and weak. We both had things that were putting walls up and pushing the other person farther away. At the same time, I was trying to avoid reality with all the things that I had shoved aside or put into a box in my mind, in the hopes of never accessing it again. I felt raw and disappointed. I was also battling my weight....again....and was slowly loosing the battle. Life just felt heavy and lonely.

My husband and I started marriage counseling. The first few months were so difficult. We learned that we were terrible with communication between each other. We also learned that our needs were polar opposites. Some people would refer to it as the love languages and we were speaking a forgein language to each other. We both felt hurt and betrayed by the other (just to clarify there was no infidelity or cheating involved). It was more the way we did things to deal with problems, especially with each other. I went to spending and food for comfort and an escape from Reality and he just withdrew all together. He was mentally and emotionally absent from our relationship. As we each took a self assessment of our desires and needs moving forward, we both knew that we wanted to be with each other and that it was worth all the hard work. So we stuck with it and I will say that we have come a long way. We are still going to counseling to continue the journey towards each other and happiness with one another.

As I reflected on the past I came to the realization that I am really good at the "waiting game". I started my life getting pregnant at 19 and then going through the next several years on survival mode. I started waiting for life to get easier or better. I waited for something better to come along and somehow change my circumstances (without me putting in any effort). I waited for my babies to get a little older so they could do some things for themselves. I waited for the weather to be warm. I waited for my husband to make more money. I waited for people to come to me and offer friendship. I waited for the right time to lose weight and eat better. I waited A LOT!

As a result I waited and life kept moving forward without me. I was missing being present in my life. I was letting things happen and reacting instead of taking action. I was reactive instead of proactive. In my mind I had really good reasons which I will share later.....

Now here I was, staring 40 in the face and looking back at the past 20 years and realizing that I missed a lot of things because I was waiting. About 2 weeks ago, my mother called and told me that a family friend's son had just past away. He had fought a good fight, but cancer won. He had a young family and was just 5 months younger than me. As I walked along the lake by house the next morning, I reflected on that news. Death is something that is inevitable but crushingly painful to experience when you lose someone close to you. I thought about this man’s family and his parents. His dad and I were talking a month before he lost his son and he said "I never thought I would have to bury one of my children". As I thought about that, I realized that all the stuff I was consumed with about turning 40 and life and everything was so small in comparison. I thought to myself that I am sure he did not want to lose his son to cancer and would have given anything to see his son turn 40. Here I was dreading the aging process and it hit me....I am ALIVE. I am healthy and have my needs met. I was determined at that moment to look at life and turning 40 as a privilege and to live!!! To live up to my potential and do that the things that I had set out to do 365 days ago.

My goal is that over the next 40 days I will commit to doing at least 1 Random Act of Kindness a day. I truly believe that as you step outside your self you are able to see beyond the “stuff” that might be holding you back or causing you to loose site of your true potential. When you do something for someone else out of kindness, you can’t help but feel good.

 Life is a precious gift and I intend to live!